Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you. Not. One. Day. And although it’s not as often as before, my mind occasionally drifts off into a trance; and is clouded with thoughts of you. We don’t have very many happy memories, so I often replay my favorite moments over and over again. Or make up moments that never happened…but things I fantasize about… I prefer to think about the way I wish things were as opposed to how they are now. I mean, what could it hurt, right. Just a little…. Then I snap out of it and realize that it does hurt, and is detrimental to my progress. So I tuck those
feelings thoughts away…because after all, those are the things that keep me loving you…
I used to think that as long as you felt so strongly for someone, you should always pursue it. I’m kinda stubborn like that. Or is it simply perseverance? Do I want you so badly that I stop at nothing to be with you? But what if it just inst working out and I can’t let go because I won’t allow myself to accept that? It’s HARD to put your needs before your wants. Especially when you have convinced yourself that what you want is actually what you NEED. Crazy. And I’m sure love has driven us all to that point at least once.
It took every fiber of my being to get over my first love. I hurt to my soul when we broke up. and no matter what I did, I could not let him go. A lot of that was pride, and fear, and insecurity. I was afraid to let the healing begin. I didn’t want to live with being hurt. So Instead, I held onto happy memories of us day-in-and-day-out. But often those memories were interrupted by the harsh reality that we weren’t together anymore. and I would think of how you hurt me, and feel like shit all over again.
[side note]: If you know me, you know that if I am going through it with someone I really care about, it will change my entire mood. One of the biggest obstacles I currently face is learning how to take “me” back. I let love and my emotions overpower me sometimes; and i struggle to find that balance between someone making me happy, and me making my own self happy. I failed to realize that my own happiness depends on myself. I have such high expectations of others because I expect from them what I am willing to give/ or do give. And often times I am disappointed because things don’t work out that way. As a result, it sends me into small bouts of depression. I feel worthless, unloved and undervalued. In the end I learned that it was me undervaluing myself. it’s really unhealthy.
I learned to suppress my memories. Every time my mind would start to
dwell think of my first love, I would block those thoughts forcefully and make myself think of something else. Over time, I got used to it. it became habit. but as a result, all I have left is a handful of memories. I completely forgot what that relationship was like…or even how I felt. Most of you may think that’s a good thing, but, I don’t want to lose my memory. i don’t want to become desensitized like so many people on this earth. I fear lacking emotion. I don’t want to forget what Love is like.
And with you, I am mixing remedies together to get you out of my head/heart. I am suppressing my thoughts just enough, and filling the void with things, hobbies, people and my religion. It seems we all turn to God when we are in a rut. And I am always reminded that He is the answer.
Although some days are hard and I drop a tear at the thought of you, I have learned to take a little bit of me back every day. For the first time in a long time, I made a conscious decision to put my needs before my wants. I am enjoying me, I am respecting me, I am loving–me. I used to think that as long as you love someone– you should pursue them. I thought you should always fight for love. Now I am learning that, that is not true at all. Love is worth effort. But you shouldn’t be fighting the one you love–just to be able to love them. Therein lies the difference. It took me a long time to take off that blindfold called love and see that. I have learned that not everything is meant to be. I have learned to live without you and love you from a distance. Although the love I have for you will probably never fade, I am okay with that. So *Cheers* to a two year long decision I should have made a long time ago. Here’s to loving ME.
Dedicated to DBG.
Shout out to my first love, MBG.